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Ms-HD Speaks

Dear Ms-HD,

My boyfriend just told me he is gay. That night ended our amazing 1-year, 6-months, and one day relationship. We thought we were going to get married, we were so in love. I am still in love with him, but can't be anymore because he is gay. My heart is broken. We both want to be best friends, but I am struggling with giving up my romantic/sexual feelings for him. This is so hard. And I also don't know how to help my now ex-boyfriend. He tried to ignore the strange feelings for so long, but it hurt too much. Now he is also hurting because he hurt me. I want to help him, but I don't know how. I also need to know how to start healing this broken heart. Please help.


Ms-HD speaks:

It's a difficult situation you find yourselves in.  Obviously it is
better that he discovered himself prior to marrying you, let the two
of you did have, and continue to have, a commitment to each other, no
longer as lifetime mates, but now as friends.

There is nothing you can do to ease the pain other than allow time to
pass and working with each other to forge your new relationship.

As a side note, you said that he tried to ignore the "strange
feelings" for so long. This is one of the things that points out the
harm that homophobia can cause - some people are afraid of what they
are feeling because they are taught it is wrong, or they worry what
will happen with friends and family.

You are hurt, but accepting and understanding.  One thing you can do
is do your part educating those who would be less understanding, so
that this type of situation will happen less and less as time goes on.

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Drop a note to Deborah at gaylesissues@rslevinson.com

copyright 1986-2010 Deborah Levinson