Thank You Dr. Laura!
An anonymous poem wending its way around the net
Dr. Laura, oh how cool
You preach to us the Golden rule
If God forbid, I ever have sex
You'll throw at me a Bible text
Showing me what I should do
(Certainly not what you did with Lew)
And If I ever drink a beer
You'll say my parents should spank my rear
(Unless, of course, I run away
And don't speak to them for 15 years).
And if a joint should cross my lips
I know you'll have some holy tips
On how I literally should be stoned
(God, I'm really glad I phoned).
I really just can't stop my sins
I know this is a place you've been
(And been and been and been and been)
Last night I was feeling down
My parents had me gagged and bound
(They watch you faithfully every day
and practice what you have to say).
I flipped on the Internet to tell you my woes
Got the wrong web site, and oh what a pose!
Dr. Laura, where were your clothes?
But anyway it's a little too late
For you to do anything about my fate
My parents are sending me to religious school
Where they teach "Dr. Laura" rules.
I'll spend 2 years in isolation
With stale bread and water rations
They'll scream and pound and beat and pray
Until I willingly accept their "way."
And I'll come out a mindless slug
From you I'll get a great big hug
If ever you and I should meet
I'll fall and kiss your Gucci feet
And then I'll go and do the right thing
I'll give my gay lover a wedding ring!
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